Why ‘Damp January’ Is The Only Way To Start The Year

At the end of 2016 I found out I was allergic to Prosecco.

I’ll just say that again for emphasis – I AM ALLERGIC TO PROSECCO.

I mean, of all the delicious, versatile, refreshing, goes-with-everything, everyone-offers-it-to-you-at-every-event-or-celebration-there-is, I had to go and be allergic to this one.

Part of trying to get a handle on why my skin was flaring up so much with psoriasis and hives led me to a wonderful homeopath in Clontarf called Joy Lennon.

She allergy tested me for lots of different foods that I might be allergic to – some I already knew about, some foods that I had been avoiding I was surprised to hear wasn’t allergic to at all! But the major blow to my then almost-bride-to-be buzz was that I needed to stay away from Prosecco.

Joy obviously recognised a crest-fallen, prosecco-soaked woman when she saw one.

‘But you can drink vodka?’ she suggested. ‘Or gin?’

Gin and I had a relationship fraught with gay clubs oil dawn and day-after depression when I worked in New York and I haven’t touched a drop since. Vodka, though? Vodka, I could get down with.

I bought myself a nice bottle of Absolut on the way home from Tenerife recently and in all the talk of ‘Dry January’ that Ass Monkey (and the rest of the planet) has been going on with, I felt it only true and just that I come clear about my own commitment to the cause: I haven’t had a Dry January at all, but more of a Damp one.

I felt that bottle of Absolut deserved my attention.

I felt as though my Prosecco detox (going on 2 months now) deserves a (alcoholic) softening to the blow.

I feel as though January is a bell-end and what with all the grown-up stuff that I have committed to doing this year (I’m looking at YOU, attic floor of paperwork), I just think I am responsible enough for now, thank you.

So I’ve had a little ‘Reward Vodka’ every weekend in January – after we have the kids in bed on a Friday night, I pour myself a l’il tipple and I sip away, ignoring Ass ‘Smug As A Dry January Convert Can Be’ Monkey’s sideways glances.

Anyway, January is over now and with that will come The Piss Up Of The Century this weekend as hundreds of thousands of good Dry January-ers fill their Lidl trollies with bucket-loads of delicious cheap wine, and vow to never, ever give up drinking again.

And to that, I say Cheers.

Hic.

**DRINK RESPONSIBLY. That is all**

Why 2017 Will Go Down As The Year I (Finally) Grew Up

I think I might be addicted to throwing stuff out.

It started out innocently enough. A mortifying realisation that most of my wardrobe had either A) holes in them B) paint splodges on them C) lost their mojo because I had owned them since the dawn or D) previously belonged to Alan forced me into a fit of chucking it all out two weeks ago.

I have since bought a few nice new staple items for myself and pinky-swore that I would spend some money on a new item of clothing every other month in 2017. More of that to come..

The decision to be a bit kinder to myself in the appearance department gave rise to a bit of internal empowerment. I mean, if I could find it within myself to chuck on some mascara and lipgloss when heading out on the school run, what other miraculous feats could I achieve?

Well, how about sorting out my paperwork from the last three years, says I? When we moved into our new house in 2014 I promised myself that I would stop using our work address for our personal post such as bank statements, car tax renewal notices and Prize Bonds for the kids (what if we won and I never knew?!).

Did I get to any of that over the last 3 years? Did I fuck.

I did what most busy mums do and piled them together in a corner labelled ‘Will get to when..’

When the baby is a bit bigger..

When we finish this extension..

When Eva starts pre-school..

After the wedding..

All of those ‘Afters’ have since come and gone and I’ve run out of excuses. I also need to get a grip and grow the hell up. What other 39 year old still uses her mother’s name on her PayPal account? (an unfortunate hangover from pre-visa laser card days and I needed a credit card to open an account. I haven’t been trusted with a credit card of my own since 2007. Long, and very funny story).

And so now, here I am, trying to behave like a grown up with a mortgage and some semblance of control over bills, routines and most of all, clutter.

This kind of thing could send a woman over the edge

In the last week I have;

Boxed up 5 archive boxes full of old files that can be incinerated in the back garden (keep your records for 7 years if you can and after that, it’s bye-bye)
Finally informed Electric Ireland that my name on the bill should not, in fact, be MR. Sharyn Hayden, thank you very much. I am all morto’d out.
Rang Eircom and asked for a better deal for our TV and broadband (and got it down by €17 a month for the next two years, score!)
Spoke to Bord Gais Energy about switching our electricity bills over to them as they have a better deal – AND a nice rewards program for tickets to the Bord Gais Energy Theatre and the likes, who isn’t into that?!
Finally read up on WTF Tesco club points actually mean and might eventually start using the vouchers for good rather than for the green bin.
GOT MARRIED. Yes, again, but this time we did the legal bit in the Dublin Registry Office. Not only was it super craic, I have also now applied for our marriage certificate AND informed our tax consultant BECAUSE I AM SUPER ORGANISED NOW.
Washed my makeup brushes. I know, PEAK adulting.
Nominated two ‘F*ck The Housework’ days per week. There is to be an embargo on the lifting of fingers on Thursdays and Fridays because.. ENOUGH ALREADY!! (and also, it makes us get on top of an actual system of doing it on the other days, boom)

Feel free to join my ‘F*ck The Housework!’ days and send me some pics of what you’re doing INSTEAD of worrying about what’s going on inside your house. Just use the hashtag #fuckthehousework

**Next week.. I start to declutter my digital life – HONESTLY!**

8 Things You Can Do While Your Kiddos Are In The Bath

So, it’s January. And while you may have been listening to me giving out shite about that dreaded first month of the year, I do like that it forces us into a little clean-out.

I’m not talking about detoxing our livers here, I’m talking the house – the presses, the overstuffed wardrobes, the space in the attic where the Xmas decorations are going to be stuffed for the next 11 months.

Ass Monkey and I bagged up seven bags of stuff from our bedroom yesterday evening. It had been used as a dumping ground for months while we had been running around planning the wedding.

We’re talking rubbish, clothes, shoes, weird belts that he’d been hanging onto since possibly the 80’s, socks and jocks that we have no business hanging onto because they are tatty/grey when they should be white/say ‘SuperDad!’ on them – chucked, chucked, chuck.

It only took 20 minutes and felt great to get on top of it. And to make things all the nicer, the kids were in the bath the entire time. Look at that for multi-tasking!

It made me think about what you can achieve when your kids are occupied and quiet for a few minutes (although we did have to referee a few rows over rubber duckies), and I was reminded of this article I wrote for fab parenting site HerFamily.

NO, you cannot leave your children unattended while they are having a bath.

YES, you must supervise them at all times as they play with bubbles, brush their ears with toothbrushes and attempt to deliver all of the bathwater to the sitting room below.

BUT! While your kids are happily splashing around, they mostly don’t need you to interfere with their playtime in any meaningful way.

So why not let them at it, and rather than sitting on the toilet or the bathroom floor, counting down the minutes to when their little fingers officially turn prune-like, get on board with multi-tasking like a pro instead:

Here are 8 things you can totally do while your kids are blowing (or eating) bubbles:

1. Get your nails ‘did

Twenty minutes is plenty of time for a quick manicure. I can get my old chipped polish off, give my nails a quick file and rub some oil into the cuticles while the kids are doing their thing. Actual nail polish is impossible because you will literally be called upon to towel dry a little one as soon as you have one coat on. Not worth it!

2. Give your hair a boost

Whether you need to brighten up your blonde or give your brunette tresses a boost, these home treatments can be applied while you’re waiting for the little ones to clean behind their ears. Just apply, and relax.

3. De-fuzz

If you’re like me, you’ll know that the best-planned bath times for yourself don’t always come to fruition. Given that this is where I normally shave my legs, I end up having to find other convenient times to get them done if my own bath time is missed. So, lather up while you’re in there now and break out the lady shave.

4. Try a new product

Face masks, hair masks, exfoliators, eye creams, overnight recovery creams – pop them on now while you have a bit of time. Once the kid’s bath time is over and you actually get them into bed, it’s probably nearly your own bedtime too, right?

5. Tame those brow monsters

I am yet another woman who is bereft when she looks in the mirror each morning and sees the gaps where her eyebrows used to live. Why, fashionable-to-pluck-them-to-shit era, WHY?? Get them back in order, stat!

6. Massage your bags away

Not enjoying the sight of those under-eye bags every morning? Me neither. Take a few minutes and massage them away. Easy peasy.

7. Sort your socks

There is a laundry basket in my house that I try to ignore for as long as is humanly possible each week. It contains all the socks that have come out of the washing machine and have yet to be paired. No one else in our house gives a shit about this laundry basket so here and there, I drag it into the bathroom when the kids are having their bath, sit on the floor and deal with it. Painful but essential.

8. Clean as you go

I sometimes take the opportunity to give the bathroom a going over while we’re all already in there. I’m obviously conscious that you can’t use bleach and other toxic sprays while the kids are in the room, so try these natural cleaning ideas for the sinks, mirrors and surfaces. End result? Your kids AND your bathroom will be spotless. Boom.

It’s #BlueMonday today so we hope you’re doing ok and we’ve given you a bit of a laugh. Be kind to yourselves!

8 Ways To Keep The January Blues At Bay

January. Who’d have it? Can’t we just skip it in the calendar year and head straight from the day after New Year’s Day (to give the hangover a chance) and straight to February?

You see, the thing about January is that is has nothing going for it. It’s like an under-achieving student whose meeting with the career guidance counsellor is going like this:

“Your pal Christmas pulled out all the stops to pitch itself at the top of the class rather successfully. It offered us mulled wine, presents and the opportunity to stuff vegetables and bread crumbs up a turkey’s arse. February isn’t doing too shabby either – it does it’s best with Swarovski-encrusted underpants and the likelihood that your four-year-old will send you a soppy card about how much they love you. You, on the other hand, are a disappointing underachiever. All you have to say for yourself is ‘start eating horseradishes and get thee to the gym’. You are expelled, January”.

While I normally power through January, rebelling against all resolutions by emptying the house (via my gob) of all booze and sugary foods.. I just fucking hate it this year.

In saying that, I am doing my best to be kind to myself during this feud with the first month of the year by attempting the following;

1. Walking

Yes, yes, everyone says get outside for some exercise and fresh air when you’re feeling a bit shit. But when you ARE feeling a bit shit, it can be hard to get out for a walk. So let’s call it what it really is; look your dog in the eye and feel guilty about not walking them enough and reluctantly bundle up to go for a walk around the block every evening. You might be a bit allergic to it but it will definitely helping your mood, I swear.

2. Sleeping

Get into bed as soon as you absolutely can and sleep it off. Having the January Blues can leave you feeling all kinds of exhausted so add at least an hour onto your usual routine – you need it.

3. Crying

‘Better Out Than In’ is my motto – there is nothing wrong with having a good cry so release some of that sadness or moodiness if you want to. I always squeeze out a few tears over a really powerful song that means something to me so will get the earphones on when I need to have a little tear to myself.

4. Dancing

Dancing with the kids to fun music always makes me feel better so we are listening to the Trolls soundtrack daily and are having a good boogie.

5. Kissing and Hugging

Having small kids around when you’re not feeling yourself is brilliant because they just love giving their parents hugs and kisses. Every now and then I just pack in the organising/cleaning/cooking malarkey, get to the couch and demand hug parties. They really work.

This little lady cheers me right up

6. Laughing

I have been listening to the Mortified! podcast when I’m out walking and it is really making me guffaw at the old diary entries that people are reading out. It just makes you forget yourself for a few minutes and releases some of that tension or anxiety.

7. Being Quiet

I’m normally talking and organising and texting and rounding up and chattering and discussing and planning and generally being hyperactive all the time, so at the moment, I’m just being quiet. I’m reading books, I’m taking time out to myself, I’m sorting through paperwork and I’m turning down events that require me to be too social at a time when I don’t feel like it. Peace and quiet is rather lovely.

8. Talking it through

The best thing for anyone to do who is having a hard time is talk to someone they can trust about it. Even if they are letting that person know that they just need a bit of quiet time to themselves at the moment, at least that person can keep an eye out for them. And when the blues lift – WHICH THEY WILL – you and that lovely person you confided in can head out for a pint or a hike or a big piece of cake and you can laugh about how January got expelled from school for being SUCH a pain in the hole.

*We hope January is being kind to you. If not, please look after yourselves as much as you can or talk to someone if you feel too overwhelmed. Loads of people love you, including us, so remember that!*

When Is It Time To Say Goodbye To The Baby’s Bottle And Blankie?

We left Eva’s ‘Bop-Bop’ and ‘Blankie’ behind us in Tenerife.

Accidentally on purpose, of course.

While our young 2-and-a-half year old never took to the soother as a baby, she formed a major attachment to this tatty old fleece blanket that once belonged to her big brother which she affectionately named Blankie.

Whenever the mood took her for a little comfort, she would announce ‘I’m very tired’ and dramatically lie herself down on the couch while someone filled a bottle of milk and went on the hunt for the ever elusive Blankie.

Miss Eva would then spread the Blankie out evenly over her entire body, up to her chin and covering her toes, before demanding Umizoomi from Netflix before shoving the ‘Bop-Bop’ into her gob.

She is a lady of leisure, my girl.

But we felt as though the time was nearing for her to give both of them up. Her dependency on the bottle was too frequent and besides hoping that less milk would mean a better appetite for her regular meals, we also want her to be dry overnight while we continue to potty train her.

While we were in Tenerife recently, we realised around Day 2 or 3 that Eva hadn’t once asked for Bop-Bop and Blankie and so we seized the opportunity to eliminate them from her life.

We’d been down this road before with Jacob whose source of comfort was ‘Froggy and Do-Do’ -is it us or is it them who comes up with these names, I can’t remember! – his soother and a suckable teething toy in the shape of a frog.

When we moved house when he was two-and-a-half we just ‘didn’t bring them with us’ and he didn’t once ask for them ever again. The new environment and house just never had any association with them for him so… BINGO.

Eva has asked for her little comforts since returning home, eyeballing the couch where she normally has her siesta and seeing Umizoomi on the family TV again, but we’ve stayed strong.

“Bop-Bop and Blankie minding the pool in Spain” is what she now keeps telling everyone and while it breaks my heart a little bit for her I know she’ll be better off without them in the long run and soon she’ll have forgotten about them completely.

AND she’s had a dry bum every morning so far – winning!

When did you get your kids to give up their comforters? Or are they still going? Let me know how you’re getting on!

Have you checked out Mum’s Box yet? It’s Raising Ireland’s monthly subscription box dedicated to fabulous mums! Our very first boxes are headed out next week and we’re so excited about it! Click in the logo below to take you to the site and remember: #loveyourbox

Wanted. Dead Or Alive: A Mother Of Two’s Former Sense Of Style

My current sense of style can be described as.. DEFEATED.

I was never a slave to fashion but I liked to keep an eye on things.

Growing up in a small village like Rush in North County Dublin in the 90s, I was something of an enigma who eschewed the acceptable local GAA team tracksuit for tartan flared pants, backwards Kangol caps and tinted glasses.

I didn’t need glasses but I thought they were really cool and I got slagged off A LOT. I didn’t care though because I was ‘arty’ and a ‘rebel’ and anyway I would be a famous actress some day and they would have to make aprons out of their tracksuit top when they married the local farmer SO THERE.

An ex of mine once said that I could always rock a dress and I can. I do love wearing them but a lot of effort has to go into wearing a dress. One needs clean shaven bits, a bit of fake tan, heels and somewhere fabulous to go.

That ex and I didn’t have kids together.

Ass Monkey obviously had a good look at me in a dress or two back in the day or else I probably wouldn’t have gotten pregnant twice but he may not have seen me at my best since then.

I’ve had my moments, sure, my opportunities to get dolled up and hit the town but they are truly few and far between when one is raising two small kids, moving houses, organising weddings and changing careers.

At the end of 2016 we took the kids to Tenerife and we were tired going; we needed to lie by the pool and go for long walks and eat amazing fresh food and get to bed early with the comforting warmth of the day’s sun kisses on our skin.

On the first day I threw on my good ole trusted bikini, the one I’ve always worn when I get away anywhere and.. it didn’t fit.

In horror, I took a good look at myself in the mirror and realised that not only was my bikini a size too small for me it was also.. pretty old and tatty.

Not only did I look haggard and bloated at the end of a crazy busy year, I also hadn’t bought myself a single nice new thing for going on hols.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped making an effort.

The kids were all tricked out with sunhats, new leggings, shorts, t-shirts and swimwear and for me? Nada.

(I confess to self-indulgently wondering for a moment if I was pregnant as if THAT could be the only reason for this ‘inexplicable’ weight gain when in fact, I just hadn’t moved my ass off the couch for the previous month. I discovered on Day 4 that I am not, in fact, pregnant. Scarlet for moi).

We’re home now, home to no more house moves, no more wedding planning, no more honeymooning and slowly took all the Xmas decorations down before getting ready to get everyone back to work and school today.

I’m SO sad that all of that excitement is over but I’m trying to concentrate on this potential fresh start: so this year, I’m really going to try to focus on looking after myself a bit more.

This evening, I chucked out half of my wardrobe which was stuffed full with too-worn cardigans and jumpers, too-tight dresses, t-shirts with holes and/or paint on them (WHY? And WHY do I insist on continuing to wear them everywhere?!) and finally, more than one item that has 50 or more layers of tulle coming out of it.

And you thought Halloween was over.

This week, I’m determined to buy three things that not only fit me, but that are fashionable and that I will try not to let my children vomit on.

So watch this space, kiddos. I’m off to bed tightly wrapped in clingfilm with a couple of cucumber slices on my eyelids.

(PS: If you have any recommendations for your favourite shops that this late 30’s lady might like, jesus help me!)

When Life Gets You Down, Always Remember Your True Colours

I have been feeling a hardening up lately, a desire to shut down and make unavailable certain parts of me that I ordinarily give away so freely.

Xmas can make me cranky despite my best efforts to enjoy it – I think I’m generally just really tired and in need of peace at a time when life is more hectic, loud and busier than I need it to be.

Add to that the post-wedding blues which I will determine to write about in another post because really, I can’t believe it’s hit me so hard (and furthermore, I’m quite embarrassed about it!)

I know I can get pouty when I feel a bit disappointed by people in my life who don’t consider me as I do them – not in a ‘OMG I just do SO MUCH for everybody and nobody does anything for me!!!’ kind of WAH WAH.. but just in a ‘I can’t believe that people aren’t much nicer to each other, including me’ WAH WAH.

I talk to my lovely mum about this despondency regularly and she counsels that no matter what, I have to stay true to myself and my own way of doing things.

“You’re lovely”, she’ll say. “You just keep being the way you are”.

It’s great advice but it does gets hard from time to time, wearying, to see that other people carry on about their own lives, oblivious, and don’t seek to go out of their way for others. I think of them and wonder if WE (Ass Monkey and I) are the real dopes for running around so much and that if we spent more time concentrating on our own family and interests, would we perhaps not drop the ball on things like our kids’ notes from school or when they are about to lose a tooth or two (scarlet).

I sometimes want to be harder, to not notice when someone needs something, or to not offer to assist when I have an option to. I want to put my head down and walk through the crowd, oblivious to what’s happening around me, just like everyone else.

I’ve been trying to do that lately because I’m so fed up and I’m so tired.

But then Ass Monkey and I brought the kids to see TROLLS yestrerday which was just 74 thousand shades of amazing and went a long way towards cheering me up.

Afterwards, we went to Ruby’s Pizza and Grill which has a fairly decent vegetarian menu. Ass Monkey had a falafel burger and I had a veggie pizza which was gorgeous.

Before our food arrived I noticed that Jacob was waving at a baby sitting at the table next to us. The little one was only about a year old and loving all the attention she was getting.

When her parent’s food arrived, the baby started crying because she didn’t want to be taken away from her waving game with her new pal Jacob.

So even though I was in a fowler – even though the rude woman at the Sugar Dolls nail bar wouldn’t entertain my appointment because I was 10 minutes late (the customer service rage rages on) – even though I was determined to never be nice to anyone ever again..

..I offered to take baby Millar (what a fantastic name!) so that mum could have her grub in peace and the kids could have some fun together.

And you know what – five minutes of doing something nice for a total stranger did me the power of good. It didn’t hurt that baby Millar was lovely to snuggle and a total DREAM too.

Doing something like that is the true essence of me and I’m happier for it so I’ll determine NOT to change if I can help it.

Now I have this song from the Trolls soundtrack on repeat around the house. It’s kind of making me cry a bit but the message is getting under my skin which I really, really need.

Like my mamma says, you gotta stick to being yourself, girl x

This can be a very tricky time of year for lots of people. Please reach out to someone if you are feeling low – take some time for yourself; go for a walk, listen to your favourite music, drink more water, hang out with someone who makes you laugh, eat cake, cuddle your kids and.. go see Trolls. You’ll love it. Mind yourselves x

18 Stages Of Bringing The Kids To A Local Swimming Pool

Looking for activities for the kids to keep them entertained over the Xmas holiday break? Your local public indoor pool is most likely open and not terribly busy. Although – be warned – taking the kids swimming in Ireland ain’t no walk in the park!

(This article originally appeared on the fabulous HerFamily.ie parenting website)

Single-handedly taking our two small kids (5 and 2) for a swim is a challenge that I do not take lightly.

I know that I must be in the full of my health to achieve this family outing: I must be rested, feeling positive and have an otherwise flexible schedule on the day in question to ensure that it is a stress-free event.

Will all the preparation, mentally and otherwise, in the world – it never ceases to amaze me how the whole effort of going for a swim always goes completely wrong.

Here are the 18 stages of this delightful family activity:

1. Hope

You feel confident that you can master this and that everyone will not only have the time of their lives, but they will thank you for days afterwards. Hope is an asshat.

2. Excitement

You let the kids know that a trip to the pool is definitely on the cards and they rummage through their wardrobes for arm bands and swimming hats with glee. You feel completely proud of your decision.

3. Regret

As the toddler empties the packed swim bag for a third time, you wonder if you can get out of this now. But you’ve already told them and one of them has their float jacket on over her clothes, waiting by the front door. Damnit.

4. Nervousness

You mentally check all the things that could go wrong in your head. What if the water is too cold? What if the fancy wave machine isn’t working today? What if your daughter takes a dump in the pool and it has to be evacuated? Take a deep breath and keep driving.

5. First Round of Relief

You get to the changing rooms and everyone is in good spirits and happy to hang about while you get them into swimming costumes and rubber rings. You imagine it will be the same on the way back out. You are 100% WRONG about that.

6. Panic

Every square inch of the wet changing room floor is a death zone. You shove bags and towels into the locker while roaring at your kids to just. stop. running and hold onto mammy!

7. Stress

One of them just slipped on the floor anyway. You contemplate not even dipping one toe into that pool now.

8. Rage

The rubber wrist band with the key on it for the locker is half broken so it won’t fasten to your wrist. You can’t bear taking everything out and finding another locker so you just shove it down between your boobs instead. Be grand.

It won’t be this cute at your local public pool, promise (just thought you may have needed some hope!)

9. Glee

We’re in the water! We’re in the water! Everyone is happy now, we’re floating around without a care in the world. The kids are having a BALL.

10. Boredom

You look at the pool clock and wonder if they’ll know they’ve only been in for 15 minutes if you start giving them the countdown to get out now.

11. First Row

“No, we’ve only just got here!!!” your five-year-old roars at you when you give it the ole ’10 minutes, guys’. “You’re the meanest mammy ever!!”

12. Second Round of Relief

The pool staff just sounded the alarm for ‘Big Waves’ – that’ll buy you another 5 minutes or so.

13. Big Love For The Baby

“Mammy, poo poo”. Fair play to her, she didn’t shit in the pool. You instruct her big brother that you guys have to get out now one way or the other because you have to change her nappy.

14. Second Row

Carry-on and wailing from the pool to the changing rooms, no matter whether they’ve been in for 5 minutes or an hour. Threaten to never bring him to the pool ever again and mean it.

15. Regret

Yes, you will feel regret several times throughout the course of this exercise. It’s just the way it goes.

16. The Getting Dressed Dance

Getting you and two wet kids dry and dressed successfully in a slippery, and often gross, changing room at the pool is enough to drive anyone over the edge. We’re talking negotiating, ordering, pleading, re-sitting them on the bench 14 times so they won’t get their socks/bums/feet wet on the floor, shoving packets of crisps and raisins into their hands to keep them distracted, packing everything up, deflating EFFING rubber rings.. epic multi-tasking required!

17. Defeat

You pass the pool mirrors and realise you completely forgot to brush your own hair and look exactly as demented as you feel. Will you open up that backpack and search for the hairbrush? Not a hope. Carry on, soldier.

18. McDonalds

There is only one way to successfully cap a trip to the pool and that is a drive-thru at McDonalds. Nothing says ‘I’m sorry for being such a crazy mammy today’ like a Happy Meal and a thumbs-up through the rearview mirror.

What are you lot up to in trying to entertain the kids until they go back to school? Would love to hear any top tips!

Have you checked out our new monthly beauty box dedicated entirely to Mums? It’s called Mum’s Box and will be full of gorgeous gifts and treats that hard-working Mammies truly deserve. We are making our first shipment on January 20th and can’t wait to share it with you! Make sure to sign up – it’s just €20 per month! Click on the pic below for more info.

Parenting Fail: When Your 5-year-old Has ALL The Cavities

FOR FUCKS’ SAKE.

Ass Monkey and I tried to go away for 5 minutes (well, 3 nights to be completely honest) and we came back to a bit of a shit-storm on the kid’s health front.

Firstly, young Eva had the reddest cheeks I’ve ever seen. She wasn’t a terribly narky baby when she first started getting teeth – we’d know that they were coming because she’d drool a lot or was a bit clingy for a few days – but aside from that, there were never any prolonged periods of wailing or being up during the night (unlike her big brother).

But this time, she’s getting the dreaded back teeth and to add insult to injury – she also seems to be getting ALL of them at once.

When we arrived home just over a week ago, Eva ran for her daddy as she always does and pretty much hasn’t let go of him since. The pair of them have been up together pacing the house every single night since we came back and we just can’t wait until this crappy bit is over.

Jacob (my son, moon and stars) ran for me and promptly let me know that he had a pain in his back tooth.

We tried to get a good look at it, mostly unsuccessfully, but we could see that it was pretty black looking back there.

My mum, who had been minding the kids, let us know that he had been complaining about it all week and she’d called our family dentist who was all booked up the following day.

But they did mention a HSE clinic in Skerries which I knew nothing about, and Alan popped up on spec with Jacob the next morning.

They weren’t entirely happy to see someone with no appointment but obliged regardless.

Our son, our 5-year-old had not one, not two, jesus, not even three – but FOUR cavities thanks to our pal, SUGAR.

Jacob won’t forget that visit in a hurry

Alan said that Jacob was pretty terrified as he had his tooth ‘fixed’ in the dentist chair (no drilling these days, thankfully) and he was given quite a positive talking to about laying off the sweets and better dental health.

I’ve always been ok with cakes and buns, particularly because we bake them at home and it’s nice to test the work afterwards (!) but there are other failures that I know are responsible for Jacob’s poor dental health;

1: Grandad And His Lollipops: The likelihood that Grandad gives Jacob 2 or more lollipops every time he sees him is a real possibility. He has been duly shamed about the holes in our son’s gob and is now throwing fivers at him instead. Win-win.

2: Relaxed Attitude About Teeth Brushing: The kids both brush their teeth in the bath, and they have a bath almost every evening – but have I been properly supervising them to make sure they are really, REALLY brushing their teeth? No, I’ve been on my phone or dressing beds or pairing socks. So WE have been duly shamed too and are operating as the Tooth Brushing Police henceforth.

See what happens when you’re a parent and you’re off trying to enjoy yourself? Disaster!

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Xmas Grub – The Tastiest Xmas Cake Recipe Of All Time

We are way behind on Xmas. Like, waaaaay behind. We got back from honeymoon at the end of the week last week and I popped on Facebook to see a friend posting a pic of her kid with the caption ’10 More Sleeps!’

To what? I thought and then it hit me – WE FORGOT ABOUT CHRISTMAS.

Between catching up on WTF is going on with the school plays, WTF the kids really want from Santa, WhoTF is coming for dinner on Xmas Day, HTF the laundry is so out of control (I think it was riding and multiplying while we were away) and WhyTF didn’t we just leg it with the kids to the nearest Canary Island.. we are chasing our tails ALMOST as much as we were before the damn wedding.

And even though there are no presents wrapped (even though there are plenty of no presents BOUGHT tbh)- I still had to prioritise and get the Xmas Cake into the oven.

I have an old Odlums recipe book belonging to my mum that gets whipped out every year for a really old school, but delicious, and easy-to-make recipe.

Here’s how:

Mix 16oz mixed fruit (you can get a ready-mixed bag of raisins, currants and sultanas in your local supermarket) with 1/4 glass whiskey overnight
Cream 8oz (half a block) of butter with 8oz brown sugar until light in colour
Add six eggs, one at a time until they are well beaten into the mixture
Sieve 12oz cream flour and fold in
Add 1/4 teaspoon baking powder, 1/2 teaspoon mixed spice and a pinch of nutmeg – mix well
Grate the rind of one lemon and extract the juice
Add lemon rind, juice and 1/4 teaspoon almond essence to the mix
(All of the above can be done with an electric mixer, and then I would switch to hand mixing for the next few steps!)
Add whiskey-soaked fruit, 3oz mixed peel and 3oz chopped cherries (also can be bought in your local supermarket)
Chuck in another 1/4 glass of whiskey for good measure!

How to line the cake tin:

Set a 9-inch round tin on a sheet of baking paper and trace the shape of the tin on the paper with a pen.
Cut two circles from the baking paper to match the size of the tin; and a further small hole in the middle of one sheet (this is for the top of the cake)
Grease the inside of the tin with butter or oil and place one circular sheet at the bottom
Cut two rectangular pieces of baking paper and run them around the sides of the tin. They may need a little tape in the middle to keep them together, alternatively you can use string to hold it all in place.

Waiting is THE WORST

Pour the cake mixture inside, spreading out the top evenly with the back of a spoon
Chopped almonds can be sprinkled on top if you wish
Place the second circular sheet of baking paper on top – the idea of the small hole in the centre is that your cake is being kept moist in baking without burning the top
Bake in a pre-heated oven at 150C for approximately two hours, or until a skewer put in the middle comes out clean
When baked, cool on a wire rack until cold.
Keep wrapped in baking sheets and tin foil and it will keep for up to two weeks. Make sure to pop a few holes in the top and ‘feed’ it with the odd capful of whiskey from time to time!

[This article first appeared on fab parenting website HerFamily.ie]

We’d love you to share your Xmas cake decorating pics with us so why not post them to our Facebook page and see what happens!

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