I have been feeling a hardening up lately, a desire to shut down and make unavailable certain parts of me that I ordinarily give away so freely.
Xmas can make me cranky despite my best efforts to enjoy it – I think I’m generally just really tired and in need of peace at a time when life is more hectic, loud and busier than I need it to be.
Add to that the post-wedding blues which I will determine to write about in another post because really, I can’t believe it’s hit me so hard (and furthermore, I’m quite embarrassed about it!)
I know I can get pouty when I feel a bit disappointed by people in my life who don’t consider me as I do them – not in a ‘OMG I just do SO MUCH for everybody and nobody does anything for me!!!’ kind of WAH WAH.. but just in a ‘I can’t believe that people aren’t much nicer to each other, including me’ WAH WAH.
I talk to my lovely mum about this despondency regularly and she counsels that no matter what, I have to stay true to myself and my own way of doing things.
“You’re lovely”, she’ll say. “You just keep being the way you are”.
It’s great advice but it does gets hard from time to time, wearying, to see that other people carry on about their own lives, oblivious, and don’t seek to go out of their way for others. I think of them and wonder if WE (Ass Monkey and I) are the real dopes for running around so much and that if we spent more time concentrating on our own family and interests, would we perhaps not drop the ball on things like our kids’ notes from school or when they are about to lose a tooth or two (scarlet).
I sometimes want to be harder, to not notice when someone needs something, or to not offer to assist when I have an option to. I want to put my head down and walk through the crowd, oblivious to what’s happening around me, just like everyone else.
I’ve been trying to do that lately because I’m so fed up and I’m so tired.
But then Ass Monkey and I brought the kids to see TROLLS yestrerday which was just 74 thousand shades of amazing and went a long way towards cheering me up.
Afterwards, we went to Ruby’s Pizza and Grill which has a fairly decent vegetarian menu. Ass Monkey had a falafel burger and I had a veggie pizza which was gorgeous.
Before our food arrived I noticed that Jacob was waving at a baby sitting at the table next to us. The little one was only about a year old and loving all the attention she was getting.
When her parent’s food arrived, the baby started crying because she didn’t want to be taken away from her waving game with her new pal Jacob.
So even though I was in a fowler – even though the rude woman at the Sugar Dolls nail bar wouldn’t entertain my appointment because I was 10 minutes late (the customer service rage rages on) – even though I was determined to never be nice to anyone ever again..
..I offered to take baby Millar (what a fantastic name!) so that mum could have her grub in peace and the kids could have some fun together.
And you know what – five minutes of doing something nice for a total stranger did me the power of good. It didn’t hurt that baby Millar was lovely to snuggle and a total DREAM too.
Doing something like that is the true essence of me and I’m happier for it so I’ll determine NOT to change if I can help it.
Now I have this song from the Trolls soundtrack on repeat around the house. It’s kind of making me cry a bit but the message is getting under my skin which I really, really need.
Like my mamma says, you gotta stick to being yourself, girl x
This can be a very tricky time of year for lots of people. Please reach out to someone if you are feeling low – take some time for yourself; go for a walk, listen to your favourite music, drink more water, hang out with someone who makes you laugh, eat cake, cuddle your kids and.. go see Trolls. You’ll love it. Mind yourselves x