Two years ago, at age 45, I made an appointment to visit the GP.
“I’m menopausal!”, I declared. “I’ve put on a stone overnight, no warning, and my stomach is all squishy. Also, my periods are fucked and my hair is falling out. My things, my.. hormones.. must be acting up, right?”
He checked everything, took some bloods and said that my hormone levels were fine. It was declared that I was far, far away from being peri-menopausal. I put the weight-gain and belly squidgyness down to my fondness for ALL the pizza and wine, and vowed to start using my treadmill for something other than a clotheshorse.
Armed with my not-yet-menopausal smugness, I vadge-blocked anyone who gently suggested otherwise for the two years since. My acute tiredness? Kids, running a business, life. My shit skin? Psoriasis. My psoriasis? Kids, running a business, life. Restless sleep, lack of concentration, forgetfulness. All of the above, just life. The doctor said so!
But in January of this year, a pain started in my leg. Not quite muscular, not quite sciatica but just.. deep, unrelenting, in the bone and keeping me awake at night pain. I started taking an anti-inflam painkiller right before bed just to get through the night.
And then The Feeling came with it. That something was wrong but nothing was really wrong because look at how lucky I am with my kids and my friends and my work and my roof over my head but GOD why hadn’t I done anything with my life and sure it’s too late now because your life is essentially over. You are MIDDLE AGED and you’ve FAILED.
Image courtesy of Meno-Me.com
Now that’s not like me. I’m generally a terribly excited person, terribly positive – loving life and grabbing it with both hands and being thrilled with myself for achievements big and small.
So I went to a different doc and tearily explained my symptoms. “We’re all about the menopause here!”, says he, and within seven minutes, I had a prescription for oestrogen gel and a feeling of regret for not starting it sooner.
A friend who started HRT two weeks earlier than me said that taking control of the situation and just starting HRT had had something of a placebo effect and that she was already feeling better. Less wonky within herself and less rage.
Image courtest of Balance-menopause.com
But I feel a little worse, for now at least. Because now I am middle aged woman on HR fucking T and not the 32 year-old I hang on to in my head. It’s not like I didn’t know that this was coming down the line eventually but I guess I was just hoping to maybe.. I dunno.. skip it?!
The pain in my leg is brutal this week. The acute tiredness has morphed into full-on exhaustion. And the rage is STRONG, my friends. Holy moly – how did this phase happen to coincide with having a pre-teen in the house?!
Perhaps I’m gonna need something stronger than the HRT in time but for now, we’re giving this a go. Week One down and Six until we hit optimum magical oestrogen levels.
I’ll report back. I’ll bring the pizza. You bring the wine.
If you are experiencing any symptoms of peri menopause, including a distinct change in mental health, consult your doctor immediately and firmly request treatment. Being a woman is hard enough without being deprived of a simple fix to help you through. Don’t take no for an answer!