That is the title of the opening number for my brand new musical – ‘Up The Duff’.

Other songs will include ‘There’s A Hole In Your Johnny, Dear Asshole, Dear Asshole’ and ‘If You’re Happy In Your Nappy Then Why The Fuck Are You Still Crying’.

Reviewers will say ‘This show will have you in stitches (oh my god did we say stitches?!)’ …because they are HILARIOUS.

It will be an outdoor event, held in the carpark of every maternity hospital in Ireland so that the smoking about-to-give-birth mammies don’t miss out. They are humans too, you know.

Doughnut-shaped cushions will be available for those who have just given birth or for those who now consigned to having 50-shades style sex only, in an attempt to feel desirable again after birthing 6 children.

Refreshments on offer will include nipple-shaped cupcakes, alcoholic breast milk with soda water.

For those enduring hot flushes and/or immense excitement at being out of the house, sanitary towels dipped in ice water will be offered in place of hand held fans (so distracting for actors, the delicate creatures).

Comments, during the song breaks or interval, on other people’s parenting choices are strictly forbidden.

…….

Actually, I haven’t written that musical (yet), but I did come across this fun satirical video called ‘Postpartum – The Musical’. It’s really good until the advertising bit at the end – then I was like ‘Ahh RAGIN’!!!)

Watch Postpartum The Musical Here!