Tag Archives: Alternative Mammy

Feeling Lost After A Short Cut

Due to my baba being breached right up to 38 weeks, he was delivered by a planned cesarean section. I suppose what I want to write about, is the mental and physical aspects on a mothers mind and body from having a baby by cesarean.

My story is that it was planned, so it almost took away from the nervous excitment of “not knowing when the baby will come” but yet there was a convinience to it all.
The whole thing was very clinical, you go into an operating room, and to be fair, you are very distracted to the whole thing because all the practitioners and nurses keep you so. Which is great let me tell you!! But, at the same time, the baby is out, before you even realise or are able to process what is kind if going on. And literally, what seemed like a few minutes since lying on the table in the first place, and there he was. My first born.
He was taken off to be cleaned, but unlike what you expect from TV, he was not lifted straight away onto my chest. I was all sewn up, which did not even take that long either. After been closed up, baba was in my arms and I was wheeled into the recovery room. Now, slightly off the record for a second, when he was born the song we danced to for our wedding first dance happened to be playing on the radio, and it was a really meaningful, weird, destiny type moment. It was Green Day, Time of your Life.
Back on track now…because my body had not gone into labour as such, my breast milk would not flow, so I put baba onto a bottle because he was so hungry. Then, within about an hour I was back in my ward room with the feeling nearly totally back in my legs. Now, the pain afterwards in my stomach area was hard going, even with morphine, and for a good while after. But that was expected. What I was stunned by was the emotional and mental after effects to it all.
I want to share this, because I had a great support at home with my husband, but I can see how other people may have felt down or lost by the mental after effects of a section over a natural birth. Because I did.
Natural birth is what you mentally prepare yourself for, the entire pregnancy. You brace yourself for a pain you cannot imagine, and an experience your body is able to endure, both mentally and physically. But with a ceserean, the pain is much different, and even your body knows it without experiencing the alternative. But, it is not for a few days after you start, or at least I did, to think or feel, as though you were just sort of well, handed your baby… like you did not do any of the work your body was prepared for. The moment you had been building up to, delivering your child ‘as normal’, just never happened. I did not feel any less love, or connection, or attachment to Leon, but somehow, I felt I had missed out on actually giving birth to my son. Because, in a manner of speaking, I didnt.
I can understand that many mothers out there could end up feeling some sort of guilt for that, and I just want to share my experience, in case it would help someone who may feel down, or depressed or worried about what it all means. Mums, your body did endure a lot, and your mind endured a lot. We had prepared to go through natural labour, but for whatever the reasons were, we had to just bring baby out via a short cut. And now baba is here. It does not mattter how they got here, because we got them here safely…. and that, is the most important end to any pregnancy, yes?
Admittedly, because of the section I felt a little lost after, but it is ok to admit this, I think it is important not to be afraid of how you feel, and I hope if this even reaches one person doubting themselves, then it was an article worth the time written.
And remember, sometimes the most natural thing in the world, is to get lost on a short cut…. there is no need to beat yourself up because of it.