Ass Monkey has bought and made me some fabulous gifts in our time together. There was that time when we were first dating, after I had entrusted him with a spare key to my fab apartment (where I used to live alone and loved it. Can I go back please?!) – he let himself in a few times unbeknownst to me to measure up for, and then to craft and fit in, a bespoke writing table. It was at that point that I figured he maybe liked me a little bit…

Our first Xmas together; an iPhone – I cried. Our first Ikea trip when we had eventually moved in together, he insisted on buying those dressing room lights to fit over the mirror, just perfect for a rock star, he said. I cried again. In fact, I cried whenever Ass Monkey ever did anything nice for me – I must have been starved of love and attention before he came along ;o)

But I have never, ever been so enamored with him and his present buying than over the weekend, when he came home from Boots armed with a pair of nipple guards. I cried again, although this time with relief.

Since she was born, Eva has been happily feeding off my left boob and ignoring the right completely. In fact, she takes a couple of little sucks off the right and then bawls her head off as if I had just offered her some of my own cooking. Therefore, I had been pumping off my right, and feeding off my left, resulting in my left being very sore, and my right being very offended.

On consultation with my sage friend, Mrs. Doireann Langford, she too had experienced this same trouble – what she calls ‘The Shit Tit’ – and instructed us to the purchase of said nipple guards immediately.

And it worked! Eva is now happily feeding off both sides, despite the fact that her mother resembles an extra from a Lady GaGa video. Ass Monkey has never been so attracted to me…

Boots’ Own Brand Nipple Shields