My skin has been a bit of a problem since, oh.. FOREVER.
I am of that 30% of the population in Ireland that suffers with psoriasis and eczema and wishes there was a cure other than being told to ‘try not to stress’ (gah!) and ‘have you tried sunbeds?’ (gerrup outta that).
My flair-ups have been particularly bad twice in my life thus far: the year I sat my Leaving Cert and had a part-time eating disorder was one and the second is now.
Or, more accurately, since Ass Monkey asked me to marry him.
I’M SAYING NOTHING.
Anyway I’ve been ignoring it somewhat and hoping it will go away by osmosis but I found myself in trouble at the beginning of this week when I woke up to find angry and swollen patches all up and down my arms and chest.
In fact they were SO sore that I thought I had the shingles so I popped off to the doc.
‘Dermatitis’ says he. ‘Is there a chance that you could be pregnant?’
‘But if you got pregnant would it be the end of the world for you?’
Silence. He stares at me and I stare at him. He wants me to pee into a jar and now I don’t want to in case he knows something I don’t know. Are swollen armpits a new pregnancy symptom that I haven’t heard of yet?
I peed in the jar. Aside from acute dehydration there was nothing to worry about, especially Knocked-up-itis.
(Note to self: discuss The Snip with Ass Monkey)
Dr. Drama prescribed steroids for the week anyway to get the dermatitis under control and we’ll head for blood tests next week to see if there’s anything else going on.
Anything else, besides, you know, wedding.
Having not ever been on steroids until now, I can tell you it’s not an experience I’d like to repeat. I’m wrecked but fucking wired all week. Double-wrecked with a crazy constant impulse to clean everything, if you know what I mean.
Here are the 7 likely outcomes for you if you ever find yourself popping 8 steroids a day for any reason:
- You won’t sleep. Well, not really. You will really, really want to sleep because you know that you need it but when you get to bed, you will lie in bed awake and think about all the things you should have said to that bitch in school when you were 15 until 3 am.
- You will agree to mad shit. Like to throwing a random dinner party at 6 pm on a Wednesday. Which makes no sense because YOU HAVE KIDS.
- You’ll be aggro. I’m a bit shouty-snappy at the best of times but The Snap has been strong this week. I had to get out of the house and hoof up and down a hill on Friday to shake off the excess negative energy. I probably should have joined a professional swim team for the week.
- You’ll be hungry. I have a good appetite but I couldn’t STOP eating this week which isn’t great when your wedding is in 6 weeks and you’ve been sooo good up until now. #theresalwaysmonday
- You’ll go to award ceremonies. Well I’d most likely go to an award ceremony even if I wasn’t on steroids (who wouldn’t!!) but you especially run when your book has been nominated for an award AND you’re on steroids. And when you don’t win, you feel fine because YOU’RE HIGH AS A KITE ANYWAY.
- You’ll attend hen parties and not even drink. I did. I did that yesterday. And I even drove a few people home afterwards. Who needs cocktails any more huh?!
- You’ll sort shit out like a boss. The house is clean, we finally have curtains, even the bastarding ironing is done. I literally couldn’t sit down, not even for a second.
If I thought the little pillies wouldn’t make me need a second wedding dress by December, I might even consider staying on them.
For more on matters of health and wellbeing, read on!