- Posting their news on your Facebook page. You got the text, and if you’re known for being a big mouth, you’re probably lucky that you got a text at all. This news does not belong to you. Don’t go all Town Crier on it and lash it up online. Leave that to the actual parents. Nobody likes a Thunder Thief.
- Being hungry or thirsty. If someone has just had a child, they are most likely in a current state of shock/panic/nausea/all of the above and do not need to play host to you if you call to visit. Do NOT ask for a second cup of coffee, sandwich or enquire as to what’s on for dinner. Be a dear and bring them something to eat when you arrive.
- Arriving On Their Doorstep As A ‘Surprise’!! This especially applies if you live abroad and if these new parents really aren’t expecting you. I’m sure in your heart you were doing something lovely and exciting, and you went to all that trouble of taking the red eye to get here right at the minute that the baby turned one week old. But listen – UNEXPECTED GUESTS ARE THE DEVIL OF NEW PARENTS’ LIVES. Unless you’re SuperNanny and you’ve decided to move in (for free) for 6 weeks, or you’re the man who owns The Lotto and you’ve come to drop off an enormous cheque….back right off.
- Criticising anything to do with any aspect of anything for at least six months. A guest who came to visit our son when he was three weeks old said ‘Um, this glass smells kind of garlicky??’ He was told to f*ck right off out the door by this raging hormonal mess of a new momma and we haven’t seen him since. Actually, I’m still not over it. You will take that garlicky glass and you will like it or you will wash it for yourself when I am not looking. That way, we will all get out of Afternoon Tea alive.
- Pausing when the baby’s new name is announced. There will be no pausing. Pausing indicates that you aren’t sure about something. Like, you’re not sure that these parents have made the right choice about their own baby’s name and you might have a better idea yourself. It’s none of your business and you can totally abbreviate it/slag it off from the comfort of your own kitchen when you get home later. For now – get your game face on.
Don’t Go Wrecking My Mamma’s Head, Capiche?
*See more from Sharyn Hayden at www.sharynhaydencomedy.com