The Things They Don’t Tell You

Remember me? I’m the one who wrote about Dr. Dog letting me know with a wag of his tail that I was preggers and then snuggling me when I didn’t manage to hold on to those precious cluster of cells long enough to make a real life baby? Well, dear readers, Dr. Dog gave a succinct if not dramatic diagnosis 38 weeks into my last pregnancy. No need for tissues…this ends well. Very well…

With two sharp barks and a manic tail chasing dance, Dr. Dog announced that the baby was on her way. Not thirty seconds into his maniacal prance around my feet, just about the time I was ungratefully telling him to shut the f*ck up ( I was a little tetchy as my back had kept me awake all night-YES I am that thick, NO I did not see it coming and NO I never read the books, shamer) my waters broke all over the carpet… hmmmm come to think of it I have just spied a suspicious stain on the floor. Did I ever tell my husband to clean that up when I was in hospital? Did I? Eughhhhhhh. Nobody ever tells you how low your standards (and your heel height slip) after you have a baby.  In fact there are a lot of things nobody ever tells you.

I should be honest and say that the standards slip while you are having the baby. That fear you had that your hubby/partner/awkward one night stand who you are making stand by you while you push forth his progeny, even though he does not and never will know your middle or confirmation names, will see you poop yourself becomes the VERY last of your worries. Even though you obsessed about that particular horror for months. Truth is, after the fifth or so contraction, you really don’t care. Fact : Labour HURTS. Those that tell you it doesn’t also tell you that their hair colour is natural and they just threw their outfit together and they are LIARS. But the thing is you will get through it. You were built for it. Disclaimer – I had a c section but I did have a lot of contractions before I got wheeled upstairs. I’d rather do my own dentistry with a leper’s rusty toenail clippers than do labour again, and if I am lucky enough to have another will ask for an epidural in the car park.

Here are the things that most stand out to me as not having been told :

1) Three days after you come home you will be so tired you are likely blow up the microwave by forgetting to put water in the steriliser (or maybe that’s just me)

2) For weeks you will wonder what that sour smell is until you realise it’s you – morto! (or maybe that was just me…I leaked booby juice non-stop)

3) Breast feeding can be agony in the first few days (MAM COMPRESSES ARE AMAZE-BALLS) but even one successful latch will fill your heart to near bursting.

4) The first time your baby smiles at you, you will weaken to the point of NEVER being able to watch ads again for fear of seeing one about a starving baby.

5) You will have hysterical moments where you panic about room temperature/car temperature/baby temperature and you will feel MENTAL.

6) You will be overwhelmed by the desire to kill the person who gives your baby her BCG if you accidentally look into her eyes as she feels the needle prick her skin.

7) You will be overwhelmed by the amount of human kindness and tenderness that pours out around you when you have a baby.

8) You will watch a repeat of Homes Under the Hammer at 4am, whilst expressing and forgetting to put the bottom on the bottle, thus spilling the milk everywhere (refer smell problem above) and find it RIVETING. (again, that could just be me)

9) At some stage, around week 6 (give or take a week or two) you will be so tired you will have a mad moment and think you simply cannot cope. You can and you will and you will come through with flying colours.

10) They say the soul weighs 21 grams but you find out it weighs oh so much more than that. Mine weighed 7lb 13oz at birth and is gowing by the day.

Happy pregnancies and parenthood, peeps.